Once Upon a Time
by Rose DiVerona
Summary: ...there was a crazy assortment of mixed-up fairy tales combined in one story. "Shrek" to the extreme, really. With an OC insert, Kate. You'll see.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is something I just sat down and started writing during an off-period at school. It's been expanding over the past week, and I've decided to submit it in pieces now. Basically one big fairy tale parody, using all the classic fairy tales and classic stories (I used animated Disney movies as an inspiration). Even though I never directly state the specific story, I'm sure you'll easily recognize them as they come along.

Disclaimer: I promise I own nothing except my insert, Kate. Who I really don't own, either, as she is based off a friend.

* * *

Once upon a time, Kate was born in a daisy flower, like Thumbelina. One day she was wandering alone among the grass when she came upon a mushroom. It was a most peculiar mushroom, pink with purple polka-dots, and sitting on top was an exotic caterpillar smoking a pipe. Kate was so small, of course, that the caterpillar was even bigger than she was.

"My dear child," it said, "It is not natural for a girl like yourself to be this size. You should be TALLER." And the caterpillar showed Kate a piece of mushroom. "Eat this, and you will grow."

So Kate ate the mushroom and shot up until she was the normal size of a small girl. The world did not seem as big anymore. Kate began to look for something to eat.

Soon she came upon a charming cottage in the woods. Smoke was coming out of the chimney, and the place seemed quite friendly. Kate knocked on the door, but there was no sound from within the house. The door stood slightly ajar, so Kate stepped inside. The place was filthy! Kate could hardly contain her horror. Instantly, she began to sing for her animal friends to come to her aid. They came in twos, flocking by land and sea and sky to her side, and began to clean the house. Within an hour, it was spotless. Kate was so tired that she sat on the couch and fell asleep.

"CINDERKATE!!"

Kate bolted upright, staring confusedly around. The cottage had been transformed into a grand mansion, and she was lying on a velvet pouf by a sweeping marble staircase. An old, angry woman stood before her.

"Cinderkate! Get your lazy body to the kitchen and scrub those pans! Stop soiling the furniture!"

And Kate found, to her surprise, that she no longer wore her simple green dress, but instead wore a filthy brown sack and apron. She jumped up from the couch, muttering her apologies (for Kate was a very polite girl), and scuttled off down a hallway. But she became lost in the winding labyrinth of the manor, and soon found herself in a bedroom. She was so exhausted that she lay down on the bed and fell asleep.

She was awakened by a tender kiss upon her lips, and sat up, startled to find herself once more in the cottage. A handsome man with a crown stood before her.

"Who are you?" she asked.

He bowed. "Fair maiden, thy hast been in sleep this past century. I hast comest to wake thee up and carry thee away to be my bride."

Kate stood up and backed away from the man. "Sir, I think you are mistaken. I don't know what you want."

"To marry thee, dearest!"

"Oh no, ya don't! That's my princess!"

Kate turned with alarm to see a large green ogre coming in the back door, a donkey trotting at his heels and a cat riding his shoulder.

"Away, foul beast!" The prince brandished a sword, pushing Kate behind him.

"Donkey!" the donkey suddenly yelled, making Kate jump.

"'Tis not a donkey, but an ogre, cursed beast," the prince said bravely. "Flee now and I will let thee and thy feline companion live."

The cat jumped off the ogre's shoulder and addressed Kate. "Senorita, truly, your prince lacks in the brain department."

Kate blushed. "He isn't _my _prince…"

"I tell you, this is your last-" The prince began, then stopped abruptly at the _adorable _look the cat was giving him. His eyes had gone all wide and he was audibly purring.

Kate's heart melted. "Awwww…"

The prince lowered his sword, and in one quick swipe, the cat had knocked him unconscious.

"Right, well, let's get on with it, then," the ogre advanced on Kate. She retreated quickly.

"Oh, dear…"

The front door reopened just then and a troupe of dwarves filed in, a variety of tools slung over their shoulders. They stopped abruptly upon sight of the others.

"Shrek? Snow White? What a pleasant surprise!"

"Oh, no, I'm not Snow White-!" Kate began, but the men were already crowding around her, hugging her knees. "Please-!"

"All right, let the girl through," the donkey commanded.

The men paid him no mind, and suddenly their grips were suffocating Kate, who squeezed her eyes shut.

"Please, please, get me out of here!"

The pressure was gone in an instant. She opened her eyes and found herself alone in the cottage. It was eerily quiet.

"Hello?" she asked timidly. No answer. She sighed in relief. _Now for something to eat…_

She stepped to one of the cupboards and opened it. A gingerbread man popped out and ran across the floor, laughing merrily.

"You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" he cackled gleefully before disappearing out the door.

"But what am I supposed to eat?" Kate cried in desperation.

"Try the house," a voice echoed throughout the room. Kate jumped and glanced around quickly.

"Who said that?" she demanded.

"ME!" the voice laughed.

"Eat the house…But that's absurd!" Kate giggled nervously.

"Why, everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable!" The voice laughed. "But that, my dear child, is called cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. Besides…I wouldn't taste very good!"

Kate moved cautiously over to the kitchen table and tried to break a piece off. It came off easily in her hand, and she timidly bit into it. It tasted like a sugar cookie.

"Mmm…" she muttered.

"Enjoy! But eat quickly! For when the witch returns…she won't be very happy!" the voice laughed again.

"Witch? What witch?" Kate was alarmed.

"…all mimsy were the borogroves and the mum's wrath outgrave…" the voice said faintly, fading out of hearing.

"Hello? Hello?"

Kate was alone once more.

_**to be continued...**_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: And we continue, with the introduction of several more beloved stories...

* * *

Kate decided she'd better leave the house immediately, and, stepping outside, saw with shock that the cottage was now visibly made of gingerbread and covered with frosting and candy.

"Odd…"

She started back along the path, which was a yellow road of brick. Ahead, she thought she saw people dancing. As she approached, she saw it was really a girl her own age, a scarecrow, a lion, a man of tin, and a small dog. All were skipping merrily in circles, but stopped when they saw Kate.

"Why, it's another girl!" the scarecrow exclaimed, tapping the girl on the shoulder. "Like you, Dorothy!"

Dorothy sprung forward and seized Kate's hand. "Oh, goody! Tell me, are you from Kansas as well?"

Kate shook her head. "I was born in a flower…"

Dorothy frowned. "Born in a flower? This really is an odd land, isn't it?"

"Is it?" Kate asked, confused.

"Who are you?" Dorothy asked.

Kate shook her head. "I hardly know anymore! It seems I was someone else just this morning, but I've been so many different people today…do you know what I'm talking about?"

Dorothy shook her head, beaming. "But if you want to find out who you are, perhaps you could come with us to see the Wizard of Oz!"

"A wizard?"

"Why, certainly! He can give you anything you want. He's going to send me home, you know."

"Home?"

"Yes, to Kansas. You see, I feel perfectly dreadful about leaving my Auntie Em and Uncle Henry all alone on the farm…I've grown up with them, you see, and-"

"Grown up!" An indignant voice exclaimed from overhead. Everyone looked up. A young boy dressed in green leaves hovered in the air, a small fairy fluttering next to him. "Why would you want to grow up?"

Dorothy was taken aback. "Why, to marry and become a mother, of course!"

"A mother? Then you are forever banned from Never Neverland!"

"That's okay. I've never heard of it, anyhow."

The boy landed gently next to Kate.

"And you? Do you wish to grow up?"

Kate shrugged. "I-I really never thought about it before! I suppose not, but everyone must at some point."

The boy grinned. "Not everyone." He extended a hand. "My name is Peter Pan, and I can take you to a place where you will never, ever have to grow up."

Kate contemplated this. "Never is an awfully long time…"

But she glanced around at the overly cheery group around her and placed her hand in Peter's.

"All it takes is faith, trust, and pixie dust!" he told her, sprinkling dust all over her.

Kate thought about having something delicious to eat, and she and Peter lifted into the air.

"Goodbye! Goodbye!" Dorothy and her companions called, waving.

Kate loved flying. She loved the way the wind felt as it blew past her, and she loved feeling her hair fly free behind her. She closed her eyes and enjoyed it. Then her daze was interrupted by a rock hitting her leg with a dull thump, and she began to fall.

"Peter! Help!" she screamed, but Peter flew on. "Help!"

"I'll rescue you!" she heard from below. A tree was coming up fast, and she shut her eyes against it. Then she felt warm arms around her. She opened her eyes and saw that she was in the arms of a handsome young man, clad in green just as Peter had been. He was poised on a branch of the tree. He smiled at her, and with one swift leap, jumped to the ground, setting Kate upright.

"Wh-wh-who are you?" she panted.

He swept his hat off his head and bowed. "Robin Hood, at your service, madam."

"Tha-thank you for saving me," she said shyly.

"'Twas my duty, fair one." He turned to the surrounding trees. "Oh, Merry Men!"

A squadron of men melted out of the forest, all dressed in green or brown jerkins like their leader. There was one lady among them, similarly dressed, who flitted to Robin's side.

"May I introduce my men," Robin Hood said grandly, "and my love, Miriam."

"Hello," Kate curtseyed. Miriam smiled kindly at her.

"Now, where is't you came from, my dear?" Robin asked. "For we shall escort you where you wish. These woods are dangerous for a young lady to travel alone."

"I'm not from anywhere in particular," Kate explained. "I was just wandering, and I've had many adventures today, you know. I was flying along with Peter Pan when you rescued me."

"Ah, fie that Pan and his childish ways!" Robin scorned. "Adventure is all very nice you know, but only when you handle it with aplomb. It can't be helped. You shall come with us until we find you a place to stay."

"Thank you very much," Kate said politely.

Miriam showed Kate how to creep through the woods, and for an hour or so she enjoyed hearing the stories the others told her and was able to forget the strange happenings of the morning. Then she heard a curious noise and stopped, listening closely for the source. Slipping through the trees, she saw an odd, crooked dwelling, two stories tall with purple puffs of smoke spouting out of a pipe chimney.

She turned to ask Miriam what it was, only to discover that her guide had disappeared.

**_to be continued..._**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: More, including the introduction of a story I did not plan on at the end...

* * *

"Hello?" she called. "Hello?" But there was no reply. Kate shivered, suddenly noticing how dark the trees were around her. She turned back to the house and, making a quick decision, sprinted to the door, knocking loudly.

From inside, she could hear a medley of noises; bells ringing, rubber squeaking, horns whistling; all accompanied by a voice chanting merrily:

"Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitonium! Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitoni-UM!"

She drew back from the door, slightly apprehensive about entering.

"Oh, hullo."

She whirled in alarm to see a boy about her own age standing behind her.

"Um…hi."

"Are you here to see Merlin?" he asked.

Assuming his was the voice inside, she nodded slowly. "At least, I _think _so."

The boy brushed past her and pushed open the door. "He doesn't mind if we just walk in. Have you ever met him before?" When Kate shook her head, the boy grinned. "Quite the eccentric fellow, Merlin is. I'm Wart. His apprentice, you might say."

"Kate," Kate said, and she followed Wart inside, shutting the door softly behind her and looking around in wonder. The entire first floor of the house was one room, jumbled and cluttered with all sorts of knickknacks and inventions Kate had never seen before. Many were emitting noises, still others moving freely about. Kate stared around in wonder, feasting her eyes on the exotic items.

"It's this way," Wart said, tactfully slipping around the piles of clutter and approaching a rope ladder in the middle of the room. He began to climb, pushing a hidden door in the ceiling. Kate followed, dodging a teapot that scuttled her way, and took hold of the ladder, ascending and cautiously poking her head into the room above.

An old man dressed in a long blue and silver robe, with long white hair and a beard, was dancing around the room in a fit of great excitement. In his hand he held a stick, which he was waving around with great fervor. The room's objects responded by doing somersaults or waltzing around the man's ankles. All the while he chanted:

"Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitonium! Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitoni-UM!"

Wart stood by patiently, so Kate waited, too, staring at all the magic – for surely that was the only explanation for this – around her. She noticed an owl regarding her with interest, and blushed, averting her gaze from his wide yellow eyes.

Finally, Merlin finished his spell and turned to his visitors.

"Ah! Wart! Here for your lesson, I suppose? Good lad, good lad…And I see you've met Guinevere. An unforeseen circumstance, but I don't see it doing any harm."

Kate looked around for another person, before realizing Merlin's gaze was fixed on her.

"Oh, I'm not Guinevere, sir," she said shyly. "I'm Kate."

Merlin was unfazed. "Of course you are Kate, m'dear, but you are also Wart's future bride, which makes you Guinevere."

Kate stared in shock at Wart, who was idly examining a silver spoon that wriggled in his fist.

"I-I-"

"Of course it is quite natural to be surprised, perhaps even resistant, to this fate, but do not fret. You shall have Lancelot, anyhow."

"Lancelot?" Kate said faintly.

Merlin nodded wisely. "The greatest knight in all England." He sighed, narrowing his eyes at Kate's pale face. "You don't seem to be taking this well. Hold on just a wiggle and I'll concoct a calming draught, hm?" And he turned to a table of potions of various color and texture, mixing a few, swirling them, into a table-sized cauldron. Then he spooned a bit of the electric blue potion into a beaker and added a few pinches of gold powder, holding it out to Kate.

"I…um…" she hesitated.

"Don't be foolish. Drink this and you'll feel much better."

So Kate reluctantly took the beaker, shut her eyes, and drank. The potion tasted like simple water, with an aftertaste reminiscent of whiskey. She opened her eyes.

"Oh my goodness!"

For her surroundings had changed once again. Now she stood in a dark room with a sloped roof overhead, stone walls and floor around her, a musty smell permeating her nostrils. A window was set into the wall a few feet to her right; approaching it, she saw she was very high up from the ground. Upon further observation of the room, Kate concluded she was in a tower of some sort. The space was cluttered with all manner of broken furniture and other knick knacks. But there was an empty spot in the middle, and it was to this that Kate's eyes were drawn.

Upon a small but grand circular table sat a glass globe, turned over a single rose. The rose was beautiful beyond imagining; it glowed in a light that came from nowhere and captivated Kate. She stepped forward.

A heavy wooden door creaked open and a small candelabra hopped inside. Startled, Kate drew back, her eyes now fixed on the animated object.

"Mademoiselle! You must leave quickly!" the candle said in an urgent tone.

Kate found her voice. "Why?"

"He is coming!"

"Who?" Kate was beginning to get nervous.

Heavy footsteps sounded on the stairs. Kate backed away from the door as the candlestick shrank back against the wall. She looked around for a place to hide and dove into a wardrobe at the last minute, shutting the door. Cautiously, she backed further into the wardrobe.

Funny. The wardrobe was much bigger than it appeared on the outside. And then she bumped into something...prickly. Kate wrinkled her brow and turned around slowly, her eyes widening at the sight that greeted her.

**_to be continued..._**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Final chapter. I may add more chapters later on, if I think of other stories I'd like to add in. Thanks for reading.

* * *

"Oh my goodness…" Kate gasped.

It was, quite literally, a winter wonderland. The trees all around were blanketed in heavy white snow, and the ground disappeared beneath several layers of the powdery wet substance. And it was _cold_.

Kate shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, glancing back the way she had come. The wardrobe had disappeared; she was met instead by a thicket of trees. Kate sighed.

"I suppose I'll have to find another way back. This has been such a strange day!" And she trudged onwards through the snow, her feet sinking through and soaking the hem of her dress. Thoroughly miserable, she sniffled. "Oh, how I do wish I was back with Merlin and Wart. Or Peter Pan. Or even those strange people going to see the Wizard of Oz."

A light glimmered ahead, and Kate recognized, with considerable surprise, a lamppost sticking up out of the snow. Cautiously, she touched it. It was icy cold, but very real. She wrapped an arm around it and glanced about nervously. The sky was darkening. A twig cracked nearby, and Kate jumped and leapt away from the sound. Then a bush rustled, and a lion stepped into the clearing.

He was magnificent, with golden fur and a gold mane. He was also very large, much bigger than Kate herself. He regarded her with solemn amber eyes as she trembled.

"Why do you tremble, Daughter of Eve?" The lion inquired in a deep, somber tone.

"It's-it's awfully cold," Kate said in a small voice.

The lion chuckled softly and padded lightly towards her. Kate did not run, though her eyes closely followed his path.

"I will send you where it is warm," he told her. "Do not be afraid." And he opened his wide jaws – Kate shut her eyes and braced for a roar – and breathed warm, gentle air into her face.

Kate waited for something to happen, but it did not seem as though anything had changed. Except, quite suddenly, she was no longer cold. She opened her eyes.

For a moment, Kate did not know where she was. She appeared to be floating; momentarily, she panicked and flailed, and bubbles swirled up around her. That was when she realized she was underwater. A coral reef loomed to her right, and tropical fish swam all around her, not in the least frightened by her presence. Seaweed and shells of various varieties were scattered on the sand below.

And she could _breathe_. It was just like breathing air. The water felt soothing against her skin. Kate looked down, half-expecting what she saw – a tail. A dark blue fin-like tail instead of legs extended from her abdomen; Kate had been moving it without noticing to stay afloat. Now she gave it a few experimental flips.

_Now what do I do? _She wondered.

The water rippled, and Kate glanced around, instantly on alert, as another person – a merperson, really, as Kate herself was - came into view, swimming gracefully and quickly toward her. It was a man, with a dark green tail. He wore a golden belt across his chest and a helmet; Kate decided he was some sort of military persona.

"Princess!" the merman exclaimed. "His Majesty wishes to see you at once!"

"His Majesty?" Kate echoed faintly.

"Yes, your highness. Your father, King Neptune."

Kate found she was not in the least surprised to be mistaken for a mermaid princess. And perhaps she truly was this princess – it would not be the first time today she'd been more than just plain Kate.

"All right," she said simply, and she wiggled her tail, finding to her delight that it propelled her quite smoothly and briskly through the water.

She followed the merman to a golden gate set in a stone wall, flanked on either side by similarly garbed mermen. They opened the gates with deep bows when Kate and her escort approached. Intrigued, Kate swam inside, and was met with a most impressive sight: An undersea palace, beautiful and mystical, rose up out of nowhere. At first glance, it appeared to be made of diamonds; a second look revealed the foundation was sea crystal inset with precious jewels.

Kate felt her heart quicken as she followed her guide up a path of colored sea stones. When they reached the entrance to the palace, the merman fell behind, and the golden-plated doors swung open to admit Kate.

Slightly anxious, she swam inside. A magnificent throne upon a dais faced her, all golden and bejeweled. A number of courtier merpeople filled the space to either side of the center path, which Kate was upon. They bowed at the sight of her; awkwardly, Kate swept past them to the foot of the dais.

"Daughter?" A booming voice demanded, and Kate looked to the side to see an enormous merman coming closer. He wore a golden crown and golden cuffs, and his tail was deepest blue. In his powerful fist he clutched a three-pronged instrument from which came a vibration of magic.

Kate decided to play along. "Yes, Father, it's me."

He came fully into the light and scrutinized her, finally sighing.

"You are not my daughter."

Kate's heart leapt. "No, Your Majesty. I suppose I'm not."

"What are you doing here, then?"

"If it please Your Majesty, I don't know. I don't even know how I got here. I'm not a natural-born mermaid, you see. I'm – or I was – human."

"I thought so. The way you hold yourself even now is of human nature. Well, no matter how you got here. The question is if you would like to stay or be sent back."

"Can you – can you do that?" Kate asked hopefully.

The man smiled in a fatherly way. "My dear, I am King Neptune. I command the Seven Seas and control the magic trident. I can certainly make you human again."

"Thank you, Your Majesty!" Kate said eagerly.

"Good luck," the king told her.

He aimed his trident at her, and a jet of shining blue shot out of it, engulfing Kate in a tingling glow. She blinked - and found herself out of the sea, completely dry, with two legs.

"Now where am I?" she wondered. She turned in a circle, taking in her surroundings. The room had all the appearances of a bedroom; there was a bed, and a cabinet, as well as a rug and even a mirror. There was a high, sloped roof, rather like a tower. And, as Kate crossed to the room's single window, she saw she was very high above ground. It was indeed another tower.

There was a door, too, but it was locked from the other side. Kate gave up tugging on the heavy iron ring in a futile attempt to open it, and sat on the bed instead. The urge to go to sleep was great, but Kate did not want to have another dream and find herself somewhere else altogether, so she forced her eyes to remain open.

Then-

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

Kate stood at the yell, perplexed, and approached the window, peering out. A man stood far below, looking up at her. He was holding the reigns of a white horse, and was dressed in noble garb.

"What do you mean?" she called back.

"Your hair!" the man demanded.

Kate fingered her hair and jumped in shock. It had grown from its original length of a point halfway down her back to a much, much longer measure. In fact, the hair, braided neatly, trailed and looped around Kate's ankles.

She shrugged and gathered it in her arms, letting it drop out the window, where it unraveled rapidly until the tip just barely touched the ground. The man immediately began climbing up. Kate did not feel his weight at all; it was as if the hair was not attached to her head.

Finally, the man reached the top and scrambled over the sill and into the room. Kate recognized him now – it was the prince who had woken her with a kiss and tried to protect her from the ogre and his talking animal friends earlier in the morning.

"You?" she gasped.

"Me," he confirmed, dropping onto one knee. "My darling, please, do me the honor of marrying me."

Kate felt frustration building inside her. "No!" she screamed suddenly. "I don't want to marry you, I want to go _home!_ I'm tired of all the adventures – I've had quite enough for one day, _thank _you very much! I don't want to be Rapunzel, or Guinevere, or anyone else! I want to be _Kate_!" Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes.

The prince rose and laughed. "Why did not thou say so before? For the power to send thee home hath resteth with me from the beginning." And he produced a pair of ruby slippers, brilliant red and shining brightly in his hands.

"You mean – I can go home?" Kate asked breathlessly, her anger gone as quickly as it had come.

"Yes, and right away, if thou wishes it," the prince said. "There are plenty of times for adventure, dear Kate. But there must also be a time for rest." He reached into his pocket and held out a small piece of mushroom, which Kate took hesitantly. "This shall make thee small once more, when thy hast reached home." He placed the slippers on the ground, and Kate removed her own shoes and slipped them on. They fit perfectly.

"Thank you," she told the prince graciously.

"Wish to find thyself at home," the prince advised. "And click thy heels together."

Kate shut her eyes tightly. "There's no place like home…there's no place like home…there's no place like home…" She clicked her heels together smartly and wished with all her might.

She opened her eyes and smiled in relief. The forest was quiet and familiar around her. This was home. Glancing down, Kate saw that the ruby slippers had been replaced once more by her own shoes.

Kate swallowed the piece of mushroom whole. She shrank in size instantly, until she was once more the size she had originally been. And there was her flower, its petals open, waiting to welcome her. Eagerly, she climbed into the soft bud and the petals curled around her. Kate fell asleep as soon as her head touched the flower.

The happenings of that day were strange and yet wonderful; only the beginning of the adventure. For many days after, Kate's everyday was much like this first. She had lovely adventures during which she met many interesting personalities and learned much about the world. And, most importantly, she lived happily ever after.

**the end.**


End file.
